He asked to "fluff my boner.."
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
