dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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