I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
