Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
