Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
