true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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