My Higher Power is John Stamos
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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