one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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