I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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