I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
