I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize