i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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