i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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