my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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