U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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