Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
People with herpes should wear stickers.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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