Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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