I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
