so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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