Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
