Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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