There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
