I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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