You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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