I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
