Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
