I accidentally burped into my bong.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
