Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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