Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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