I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
