your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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