what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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