So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
