Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
