First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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