Jerry, you need to find god
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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