At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize