I just cut my nipple shaving
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
