remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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