Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
