I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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