it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
