I'm eating all of the evidence.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
