11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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