I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
