btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
