some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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