So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
