i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
This house was built for laser tag.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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