Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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