Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
