There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
NoShamevember. You game?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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