The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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