I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
