i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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