my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
