The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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