Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
