found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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