Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
